Southampton. What a buggerance.

Last two days at sea

Well that’s it, now heading back to crappy old England and the wonderful summer weather. Bet there is still a hose pipe ban on.

The ship is rocking a bit but nothing as bad as last year, this time we have managed to pack without Michelle getting all queasy! Weather forecast tells us that the sea is to remain moderate to rough and that when we get back to Southampton it will be raining. Get in!

The weather yesterday was a bit crap to begin, woken up by the fog horn then we had clouds then it cleared for a time in the afternoon to then cloud over again late evening which is when we started a rocking. At midnight we hit more fog as the fog horn was blaring away again. Hmpf.

Today it has been overcast all day, not cold just dull and miserable. Preparing us for life back home I guess.

Also today a tubby lad fell over in the pool area, took the medics about 20 minutes to assess the situation before deciding to stretcher him away. We are not sure how he fell, if he was running or walking but it was a wet floor. We gathered this as the sign next to where he lay said: ‘Caution: Wet floor’.  Dumbass.

Ship docks at 7am and are disembarkation time is 9:40 so all being well we should be home in the afternoon. Hopefully the M6 isn’t like a car park this time.

 A flower:

Gib, the Rock, pounds!

Yesterday was a day at sea. Alas we did not get up at sparrows fart so did not get a sunbed. But it was cloudy anyway and what sun we did have hit out balcony so we spent some of the day reading on it. I finished my 3^rd book of the cruise and I’m currently on my 4^th. This was the second formal evening so we decided to book a table at the Sterling Steakhouse. At 7pm we went to the captains circle thing which is basically the screw trying to whoop whoop at you for spending too much money with them. They gave out a prize to the top 3 cruisers on board, the couple that one have done about 530 days at sea. The mind boggles. After this was a few drinks and then to our reserved table. Oh. My. Fecking. God. It was awesome. And I mean awesome. With a capital A. So Awesome. We enjoyed the meal very much is what I’m trying to convey here. I hope you got it. 10oz Fillet Mignon cooked to perfection. I’m drooling typing this.

This morning we awoke to the ship navigating around lots of other ships to moor up at Gibbers. Once docked we did the ‘Best of Gibraltar’ tour. This took 90 minutes give or take. You might think then that there is nothing much here but there is actually quite a lot we did not see. Perhaps next time. We saw apes, lots of them, some of them reminded me of people back home. On people, cars, railings, benches, everywhere. And ickle baby ones being clutched by their mothers, so cute. That’s the impression I got from Shell anyway.

We jumped off the happy bus in the town centre and had a mooch. They have it all here. Morrisons, Pizza Hut, Next, Burger King. What more could you ask for? We walked back to the ship at a leisurely stroll ensuring we did not get run over. It’s very deceptive, all the signs and crossings are British, little green man and so on, but they drive on the wrong side, so the brain can’t quite grasp it.

Once back we had some dinner and found a couple of loungers in the conservatory to have a drink and chill. Then it was the Great British Sail away. Which is basically everyone in the middle of the boat gets a British flag, they play various ‘British themed’ songs and everyone awkardly joins in the sing songs. Needless to say we just walked though. Took lots of photos of Africa on the way and from the balcony. And this one earlier:

Ajaccio

Didn’t do much today. Did a tour last year so this year we wandered around for a bit, did the happy train and took some photos. I was happy to mill around a bit more but Michelle’s gimpy feet just weren’t working today so we had to go back. No more cruises, I’m saving up for a foot transplant for her.

On the subject of Michelle she brought books 1 and 2 (in one book) and book 3 of the Vampire Diaries. Well, she thought she had. She actually brought 1, 2 and 5. How is unknown.

On to more important things:

Civitavecchia and Lake Brachiano (?)

No Rome! Two years in a row walking around Rome, a third was not required! So this time we booked a wine tasting trip which also included a stop off at Lake Brachiano (probably spelt wrong). And it wasn’t until 2pm in the afternoon!

Initially this felt wrong as we were used get getting up at 6am for a trip to Rome but instead we had a lie in. I had an eerie feeling we would be two of a handful of people left onboard. How wrong. Went for breakfast and it was heaving! I’m convinced there are people who pay thousands to go on a cruise ship and then spend every single day on board. What is the point??

The weather wasn’t great so we couldn’t sunbathe so mooched for a bit. Then time was up and we went to a very big lake and then drank a lot of wine in an hour. 

Swan. At a lake. The other day

Six to choose from, they give you a glass of one you want, you down it and go back for another. And another. Etc. After getting back to the boat late we had about 10 crew members waiting impatiently for us. We dumped stuff in the room and went straight back out and got wasted. This meant we crashed out early. Which was a bonus because...

Naples and Capri

... we were up at 6am!! Ish. 7:30 start on the trip to Capri and it was pissing down. Michelle had a face like thunder while we waited to get on the boat to take us to Capri. It is also an Italian bank holiday this week so the whole of Naples seemed to be going to Capri. And lots and lots of Japanese, all with cameras around their necks natch.

An hour after getting on board we were on Capri, no rain but grey skies. We jumped on a little coach as big coaches don’t fit here. Narrow winding streets where you risk your life if you walk anywhere. We went up to the village of Anacapri and had a tour of some doctor’s house, swiss or something; the views from the gardens were stunning.  Then to lunch in Capri village were we decided other people are just plain weird. Hardly anyone on our table drank the wine, so nearly full bottles went back, me and Michelle did try without looking greedy. Then most people refused the chicken on the second course and so ended up having chips and salad. At these sorts of things the restaurant cook big trays of the food and then dishe it all out at once, so when he is about to put some very nice chicken cheese and tomato on your plate it is rude to refuse. They had a look on their faces of shock that people refused it. Added to this was the fact that the price of the tour included this meal! Crazy crazy people. The meal was delish by the way.

Then we went walked through Capri to some gardens we more stunning views. And apparently you could see the house that Gracie Fields lived in. That might be the incorrect spelling, I’m not old enough.

To get back to the Capri port we got a funicular, which is basically a train carriage on a rope that goes up and down the steep hill. Which was nice.

Then back on the boat to Naples and now sat fecking knackered typing this. Here is Capri harbour:

Ciao.

Monaco baby!

Firstly my last comment about the Spanish and the Catalonians, turns out I was wrong. They are both at it. Scum!!

After posting last night we read for a bit on the balcony, and then the wind got up a bit so we sat just inside the room, then the wind turned into a gale, then the calm sea turned into a raging torrent and the boat was a rocking. Came from nowhere, calm and sunny, 15 minutes later storm conditions!! It seemed to ease off later that night, or perhaps it was the 7 cocktails we sank after several beers, not sure.

Woke up in thundery Monaco. Out to sea it was overcast, certainly not dark clouds, but there was a constant rumble of thunder and flashes of lightening which as it drew closer let us see the lightening fork down, looked awesome. I tried to get pictures but lightening tends to be a bit quick. It rumbled overhead onto land and as we sat and ate breakfast the blue skies came just in time for us to get our tender ticket. And wait. And wait. Was only 20 minutes and felt like ages. The woman announcer, sorry, bloke announcer called us up and we bounced our way to port. I think the announcer runs the friends of Dorothy events (aka L.G.B.T), work it out.

The original plan was to find the happy train this time but I veered off to the left and decided we should walk to the Palace, which involved quite a few steps. Michelle was most amused. We go there in the end without the need for a map, it’s impossible to get lost in Monaco!! The by product of us walking is that we went through the old town AND found the start point for the happy train! So we took the happy train and did a tour of Monaco. Then we walked down from the old town and did a lap of the circuit. Ish. Good job we aren’t drivers, our lap was a bit longer. We made it around while cursing all the people sat on their yachts. Michelle said she would be self conscious eating while people walked by, I pointed out that 90% of the people who live in Monaco are posers and so love it, LOVE IT!

We decided to call it a day and walked around the port back to the tender collection point. Pretty rocky on the way back, a woman looked like she was going to puke all over Michelle. We got back on board and a large yank bloke kept failing the scanner so he had to have the hand one on him, he said stop wasting both our sets of time and let him in. Erm, yeah, it doesn’t work like that. I’m sure the terrorists have tried that one a few times.

The international fireworks are on tonight but this captain clearly doesn’t care as we have now set sail so will miss it. The captain on the Sea Princess was much nicer 2 years ago.

Oh and the meteor shower? Total wash out, cloudy skies and rough conditions put paid to that one!!

Who is posting

It is me, Mr Cynic (aka Dan), even if it says Shell. So don't think I have converted the missus to my cult.

Day Something – Barcelona

Docked early doors didn’t get off ship early doors. Hmpf. Still we were onshore from 11am and on the happy bus shortly after, aka tour bus. Due to some strange kind of traffic system it took hours to traverse the west and the east of Barcelona, but we got to see everything, from the outside anyway. Need to come back and have a couple of days so we can actually see inside things as well!

Not as hot as Malaga, only 28c so warm enough. After completing our happy journey we walked down Las Ramblas, at a bit of speed unfortunately to make sure we didn’t miss the last bus back to the ship!

To me Las Ramblas is basically one long long old dirty shopping street where street art/shows are performed so others can pick pocket you. Or maybe that is just my cynical mind; again we need more time here to appreciate it better.

We got one of the last remaining buses and were met we a great big queue to get back onto the ship, those Spanish don’t rush anything it seems.

Once through passport control Shells female gene kicked in and we had to go to the duty free shop. You know the ones that pretty much sell all the same things everywhere. Lo and behold she saw some packets of Jelly Snakes, just like the ones back home! So she had to buy two packs. For €6.40. Yes you read that correctly. Christ on a moped.

Tonight will be mostly eating and drinking and hoping to see the meteor shower at midnight. Meteors from the constellation Perseus and the Earth passing through them. Should be good, not sure I can get photos though.

And one last thing. Bloody Spanish (not Catalonians I might add).  8% VAT charge when we were docked in Malaga on everything you purchase on board. When we were 30 minutes from port it started until 30 minutes after we left. Scum in my opinion! The person that came up with that one must be related to Fernando Alonso!

Day 2, 3 and 4

OK, not much posting going on but I’m on holiday so I will do wh

at the hell I want. Second day was a cloudy affair, coolish when the clouds blocked the sun, red hot when they didn’t.

We ended up in what we originally thought was a kids area but after not seeing any on d

ay 1 we guessed it was a disused kids area, wrong! Was ok for a few hours then a few small kids arrived and it was ok to start with, but when they start climbing on your lounger it’s time to call it a day!

I don’t think we will be seeing any repeats of old people sucking things, the age range is a lot lot LOT lower than last year, I think we all might make it through alive!

First meal in main restaurant on day 2, very nice it was too, each course is small but after all of them you get pretty stuffed!!

Day 3 was a lot hotter and still the sea is calm, too calm, something has to go wrong with it, storms on the way back I guess. Formal night which was nice, few drinks, nice meal, few more drinks. It is a shame that yet again there are people who just will not enter the spirit of the occasion. I get just about understand those that still dress smart but not formal, but the people who wear shorts and t-shirts to the bars in the evenings, on a formal night? Shocking. And yet they are still allowed in!

Day 4 – Malagoh! (say it like the Gallaghers)

HOT!! 32c!! HOT!!

We walked off the boat and it hit us, a wave of hot stuffy stifling air. Fabulous, this is the med baby!! Jumped on the shuttle bus and had a wander around, took a few pics, had a drink, found the open top tour bus and sat on that for 90mins, melting. I got a great shot of some local art:

We decided to chill in the bars out on deck for the evening, before retiring while Avatar played on the big screen (Movies under the stars they call it) and it was pretty full, it’s not even a good film!! Especially on an average quality big screen! Get a grip people!

Sea day today as I post this, too hot, spent a few hours in sun, then a while in the pool to cool down, then food and now sat on balcony having a beer listening to the sea pass by.

To finish I would like to mention Jerry next door, Mongo Jerry, aka Mongboy. As far as we can tell he is a moody teenager who sounds stoned when he talks, doesn’t get up until the afternoon and then sits on the balcony listening to ‘thrash metal’. I think. Something that just sounds like noise anyway. We think his sister came back yesterday and shouted at him saying if he never leaves the room how does he expect it to get cleaned. Ahh, the yoof of today, the world is in safe hands....

Day 1 (in the Big Brother accent)

Thank chirst that show is finishing, never understood why people want to sit there watching other people live their lives. Do you not have a life of your own to live??

Anyway.

Traffic on the way to Tidders and then Southampton was a major pain in the backside. Motorways were more like car parks.

But we did eventually arrive. Check in as usual was a smooth and painless process, unlike checking in at an airport, but don't get me started on all that.

So it was straight to the room, dump the bags, met our steward, Nitikorn, who is now Nicky. Then a drink at the back of the boat, then a mooch and then muster. I found out at muster that the pull for my light on the life jacket wasn't actually attached. Ho hum.

Then we grabbed some food, more drinks, then more food then more drink then bed. Very tired after the past week. Motion wise it hasn't been bad at all, a lot better than last year but then I don't think it could get much worse.

Now we are onto our first full day and it is that time where we get to see all the wonderful sights, like old woman sucking pizzas, I'll keep em peeled. We lost an hour last night which is never good so now we have to rush for breakfast as we slept in!!